So... these paragraphs weren't written at the same time. I am suffering from a broken heart... and I need to express some feelings. So here goes: I left Wisconsin for Los Angeles one year ago today. In the time since then I have grown a lot. I struggled to pay rent, I came close to losing my job, and I experienced my first broken heart. I made several mistakes. I found some amazing friends, and some not so great ones. I have fallen apart and had to stitch myself back together so I wont do it again. I went to Disneyland a million times. I had a bonfire at the beach. I went on a road trip across the United States. I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner. I celebrated my birthday in vegas. I took more chances than I ever have in my life… and I saw the end of a rainbow. My last year in Wisconsin I did way more for my career, but this year I did a lot more living, and I think in the long run that is important. So here is to year number 2, a year where I will burn bridges and chase rainbows cause those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. I can feel myself growing up in a way I never have before. A part of me has always lain dormant, but now it is being dragged to adulthood kicking and screaming. You can pick the nicest, safest, most trustworthy seeming guy in the world. You can choose to let him in and you can trust him so easily, and somehow, he will be the one to break your heart in the worst way possible, because its unexpected. And the worst thing is, once he crushes your heart and demolishes your soul, you will have to live in a world where everyone you know thinks he is the nicest guy. They have no idea that your dismal expression and emotional outbursts are caused by him. You may get fed up and tell people, but no one, no matter what they have been through, will be able to empathize the way you need them to, because they still know, and you still know, that he technically still is a great guy even though he did the cruelest most impossible thing to you that you could ever imagine. He didn’t kill you, he didn’t assult you, he just refused to love you and he refused to hide his love for someone you disdain. He followed his heart, selfishly, cruelly and, ironically, heartlessly, but the fact remains that he technically is just doing what he needs to do, it doesn’t matter if he does it cruelly. The funny thing is, my instinct was to justify his actions and to work really hard to be his friend, because I love him... I thought I meant I loved him as a friend, but no. I loved him, and for that very reason I can't be his friend anymore. I don’t want to close my eyes at night and I don’t want to open them in the morning. I am forever fearing another breakdown. I keep thinking I feel better only to remember I am sad in a new and deeper way. The smallest things can trigger it, a fleeting memory, a glimpse of true love, a moment of silence or an encounter with the object of my torture. Breaking down is not longer an option. I have done that enough. I need to find a way to pull myself together and stay safe. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. People tell me not to let them see how much I am hurting, to act like I don’t care. I am an actress, but I can’t and wont act like that. I am not ok, they broke me to pieces. I can’t act like I don’t care, because I can’t hold my tears back when they start to come. I tried keeping them in the employee restroom, but they seeped out. The tears kept flowing, flooding the bathroom, flooding the restaurant, flooding the city, and flooding my phone with angry and broken text messages. Its 4:50 again, and I don’t want to close my eyes, because with the silence comes a million more opportunites for pain. The brain is a scary and fierce thing. It forces you to hope, then it reminds you there is no hope. He chose. He chose wrong, but alas, he did make a choice… and it wasn’t you. It was never ever you and realizing that is the hardest part. It was never you. You should have known from that first indifferent response, but you held on because you loved him. You let him penetrate your heart, soul, and vagina, and then you had to let him hurt you, because you had no choice but to stand and watch it happen. People would scoff if you used the word love with them, but you know what you felt, as embarrassing as it is and as naïve as it was. Its 5am and I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to feel anymore. I used to love those songs about needing to feel and needing to experience life… I don’t want that anymore. The only thing in the world that could help me now is not feeling. I don’t want to look, I don’t want to feel and I sure as hell don’t want to go to work with him anymore. I am a firm believer in the fact that far too much breath has been wasted on what we call “fair weather friends,” and not nearly enough on “foul weather friends.” I don’t mean friends who are there for you through good and bad. I am referring to the people who sit on the sidelines of our lives until the very moment when we need them, and soon after fade away again. It can be a coworker who pulls you aside and tells you that no matter what is wrong, it will be right again, no matter what. It can be a friend of a friend who sees your pain and tells you the harsh truths that your close friends can’t, or it can be the complete stranger who crosses Hollywood Blvd with you and tells you “he doesn’t matter, things will get better” while having absolutely no idea what happened in your life or who you are. Who knows if these people are as sympathetic and kind to their own friends in their real lives. All that matters is the fact that there is a phenomenon in the world where, when someone is upset, other people inevitably WILL try to help them. The greatest thing about foul weather friends is that they will be on your side. Sometimes, when you live in a world where the one who crushed your soul is declared far and wide to be the greatest and nicest person, all you need is someone who knows, just by looking at you, that that person is evil and cruel, regardless of everything. They don’t know this person, or even if they do, they don’t care how great they seem to the world, all they care about is that they hurt you. The pain in your eyes is enough to convince them.

Cause We Know the Time is so Much of What's Lost

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

These walls are too hard to climb and that latter is too hard to find I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE

Can't put my mind at ease with the words I say
Trying to get myself to get out of my way

Sorry I can't seem to stay
But this bird was meant to fly away

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you

Baby, is it pulling on you heart
Is it tearing you apart

Another day gone
A day closer to fate

Soon we'll find it's a little bit too late
Just go through life
Living on luck
Betting ten thousand to ten

When the day's come,
You'll say 'Why did I wait?'
You can't just leave your life up to fate.
You've got to turn it around
before it's too late.

And I'm caught between.
Myself and me.
And I,
Can't find the bridge
From my mind to reality.
I'm trying to find.
A place in the sun.
But I'm drowning in the rain
That's falling every place I run

In a way I'm giving up some of myself
In a way isn't that what it's about

I know there are walls we have to climb
I sit here waiting and yearning
Cause I know we can get by

I'm tired of running from my feelings
Are you listening
All I know is what I'm missing

beauty queen that you are
I'll put you down for a place in the stars
I'll take your picture for all the world to see

I'm dying inside
I know the way it should be

it's too late to get out
Or shed a tear for doubt

Reservation
is sneaking up on me
Was I mistaken
To let you get to me?
I've overtaken
In ways I've never known
So please don't break me
We've still got a ways to go

Cause I'm just a shadow of what I could have been
If the sun will rise tomorrow
Maybe I can begin again

Why are you waiting for what is left to know?
There's no reason we should standing still
Pick the destination and I'll pick the road

I see it taking you hold
You must let go before it starts
This confrontation you keep feeling is your heart
It's simple, but somehow letting go's the hardest part

Loving you
Like I never have before.
And needing you.
Just to open up the door.
If begging you.
Might somehow turn the tides.
Then tell me to

Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away

She's the picture
Of a heart of gold.
On the edge of depression unknown.

Sittin' on the corner of nowhere road.
Just between 'i wish I could',
And 'i don't know'.

There's a fine line
You walk everyday
'Cause somebody told you to
A white lie
You can't erase
Now you're gonna have to choose

I am, taking a chance
Walking with my laces loose
Wrapped up, taking the maze
That everybody's running through
I'm sick of, black tie
Nickel and dime

And every moment, extends endlessly
If feels as though time isn't moving
And every second, hold breath not to breathe

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is from here to there
On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your
Fear

"Give it all I've got" can be bittersweet

I heard them say that dreams should stay in your head
Well I feel ashamed of the things that I've said
Put on these chains and you can live a free life
Well I'd rather bleed just to know why I die

'Cause when the minutes seem like hours and the hours seem like days
Then a week goes by you know it takes my breath away
All the minutes in the world could never take your place
There's one-thousand-four-hundred-forty hours in my day

Have you ever stood outside a picket fence
You can see through
But you can't get to the inside

If only you could feel what I dream
Maybe you could hear what I mean
There is nothing gone
But there's something missing
Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe

Cause you've never really known
'Til you're all on your own
And the words come out all wrong
Oh you've never really known

I've carried it all too long
The fear of the pain it brings
Feeling the panic building up
I'd rather the broken heart
Than live in the emptiness
Of what if the world won't save me?
Even if the bow should break
Even if the blood runs cold
Nothing could be worse than numb

Let’s go out on the town
Give it a piece of your mind
You’ve been going round and round in your head
So don’t think twice
You’ll end up worse than you’ve been
You know I can’t ignore
So I don’t know what you’re waiting for
But you’re trying hard not to show it

Cause I know that you’ve been thinkin’ bout it
Well I know they think you’re out of your mind
All of this time
I know that you’ve been waiting for this

If you don’t mind me sayin’,
there’s no sense in waiting so
Shout it out,

She wakes and takes her place in line
And never bothers to ask why the mirror sheds no light at all
The days turn into lesser days until there's only night
The light it wouldn't help she's too far gone
Her time is up it's five o'clock
It never stops

The years go by, they're adding up
She clicks her heels but she's still stuck
She's giving in but won't give up she'll never stop

Time is a price we can't afford
An empty glass and an open door
You get what you paid for in sweat
And a voice that says please don't forget

Caught in a maze you can't escape
The flickering lights, and the colored lens
The walls that we build just close in
Until we decide to begin


Hey... IM GOING CRAZY! I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF WISCONSIN!

No Time or Mind to Chase After Fault

SO, I have found it harder than usual to adjust to the "same old, same old" routine this semester. My heart is not in my school work, not at all. I'm learning about interesting things, but I just can't focus on it. I really hope to get my feet on the ground eventually, to get some money saved up, to get some more acting credits, etc.

I'm going crazy about it. I have been applying to countless jobs with little to no response. I think that, while the number of views on my Inside audition was a big moral booster, it also upped all of my anticipation. I could see a glimmer of the shining dream that I have, but it was just out of reach. I'm restless, which is in some ways good, it keeps me focused on my career, but it also distracts me from the real world, which is constantly knocking at my door. I have midterms around the bend, no money in my wallet, etc.

I can only hope that I at LEAST get the role that I auditioned for last weekend, but I don't think that even that will suffice. I want more, and that is stupid of me.

Everyday when I wake up, I look into the mirror and ask myself, “If I was going to die tomorrow, would I still want to do what I’m going to do today?”, and if the answer is no too many days in a row, I know I need to change something

-Steve Jobs RIP

We're far beyond the place that we started

So my day off today was pretty good.

I woke up, did pilates and showered...


I then began work on my Shakespeare monologue. I did basic breathing exercises and vocal warm ups. I read through my shakespeare monologue using my best projection. I then did an over enunciated run through of it. After that I read through it following the pattern of iambic pentameter to find where the accents are meant to lie. That really warmed me up and got me in the flow of things.
Having warmed up and worked out the kinks in the monologue I started applying the 12 steps of the ivana chubbuck technique. The one I felt had the greatest impact was substitution. I know it is cliche but I made my confession of love be about acting. I have never experienced passionate love for another person so I worked with what I have and it worked. I suddenly felt emotionally involved and found new significance to some of the lines. I need to work through the scene further tomorrow with the same steps in order to firmly plant the ideas in my head. It felt like I was juggling too many ideas around in the end.
I filmed my monologue after a few hours of working with it. I think it shows some interesting changes but it is still not at the level I would like it to be. I think just a fresh start will help. I think I was too drained of energy from working with the same piece for so long.



After that I had lunch and read some more of An Actor Prepares, which I finally really started reading yesterday. It was a lot about physicality and releasing tension which I think is a good thing. It also commented on people who act to show off their beauty. I feel like I do that sometimes, meaning I won't give myself over completely to an expression before I look at myself in the mirror making the expression and tweak it so that it looks both pretty and realistic enough. This is a trap a lot of people fall into. I think my worst habits are ones that I actually picked up by watching certain actresses and unintentionally mimicking them. For example, the Olsen twins. They are gorgeous but they move their mouths and talk in a way that doesn't actually seem natural and true, its entertaining but not real. Nothing against them, I am totally in love with them and still watch their movies every easter (I don't know why easter...its just something I do).

After that I decided to start work on my voice. I sang out a few lines from a taylor swift song and was pleased with the result. I sing along to TSwift a lot in the car so my voice is very comfortable with her songs. I also worked on the Wicked song The Wizard and I. I think it went well but I couldn't get one solid take of it. I will try again tomorrow I think. I went to a work picnic and when I got home I did vocal singing warm ups and tried to tackle the song On My Own. I have always gone back to that song but I never feel completely comfortable with it. I think I have gotten closer today than ever before. I should definitely keep working with it. I also picked up my guitar again, but I couldn't find my tuner or capo which limited the number of songs I could play.



So that was my day off during which I focused on acting.

Making a success of the job at hand is the best step toward the kind you want.

-Bernard Baruch

Why? What does it matter?

I am going crazy!

I keep hearing about these amazing opportunities and I'm at that point of just waiting. Trying to be patient...but it is quite difficult.

I can't wait until I finally have a day off tomorrow and the next day. I will basically be having an acting bootcamp. I have books I need to read, excericise I need to do, monologues I need to practice, vocal excericises I need to do, guitar to practice and other various things. I'm hoping this will keep my mind off of the AMAZING opportunity I just found and am hoping to hear back on.

Of course I have to be sceptical because... I mean... if its too good to be true it probably isn't.

Anyways, the Vault contest ended on Saturday, but still no news. I know they said they had just finished a round of casting so maybe that explains the silence. The thing that sucks about this is that they make it sound like almost everyone is getting cast, so it makes it that much more depressing if you dont haha. Ah well. I am still iffy on the financial issue and who knows if I would actually be able to end up doing it in the end. I do have a sister getting married in Florida soon and school starting, both of which things are quite expensive... of course I could always hope that something comes up which makes the school issue go away.

"I don't think I can play any other way but all out. I enjoy the game so much because I'm putting so much into it."

-George Brett

Where did it start?

Hey there...

I can't seem to stay away for more than two minutes of late. So in case you haven't noticed, I want to be an actress. So I guess I will tell you how I got myself into this whole mess.

When I was in middle school I was (and still am) OBSESSED with Harry Potter. Trully. I sooo wanted to play Hermione not because I ever even thought of being an actress, but just because I wanted to be her. Well, clearly it was a little late to do that. First off, the Harry Potter producers made the decision not to cast American kids, and second because I was too young. I'm about a year younger than Emma Watson so I would have been 8 when they started filming.

So anyway, I guess that wanting to be in Harry Potter in general was my first step to becoming an actress. Second was my dream of meeting the stars, particularly Tom Felton :p I was obsessed cause he was a 10 year old's dream boat. I was talking to someone who I had met through a Tom Felton fan site (which was taken down because Tom Felton created an official fan site and wanted the domain name, something I will never forgive him for). Anyway, she suggested that I become an actress in order to meet him and I didn't really think about it, but I think that is what planted the seed. I was always wanting to be a part of the Harry Potter films and that seemed the only way to do it. So a couple months later I went on line and told her I had decided to be an actress and she said "hey, that was my idea" (I hadn't actually remembered that because, hey, I was 10).

So I told my family I was going to be an actress and I headed over to the half price book store and bought my first acting book. "Acting: The First Six Lessons". Maybe my dream of being an actress could have died away after I realized just how impossible it would be to get involved with Harry Potter, but it didn't because of this book. It is to this day my favorite acting book. It portrays acting as this beautiful craft that even actors foresake. It takes you back to the basics and sets impossible standards. I have yet to come anywhere close to finishing the "first lesson."

I did theater in middle school but even then I knew that was not what I wanted to be doing. High school theater, yes, but middle school? There was zero chance of that being an actual high quality performance. Other middle schoolers simply didn't understand what a serious business acting was and so would never be able to accomplish all that I dreamed of. Yes...

Well I did it anyway. It was just as crappy as I thought it would be and I did not want my family to watch it because I knew they would never take me seriously if they did. I was such a tortured child :p

SO years have gone by and acting took precedent over Harry Potter :)
Though it still is a silly old dream of mine to work with the actors from Harry Potter, and I like to believe that some day that will happen. However, as I develop as an actor I have realized that for me, it truly is about the craft. That hasn't always been the case, and I still sometimes lose sight of why I am an actress, but in the end I know my priorities are in line. I want to act because I love acting, I love the beauty behind the craft. I learn more about myself from each role I play. Fame is a means to an end. I don't think I would like being followed around and talked about like a piece of meat, but I know that fame would open the door for choice. I would be able to choose the roles I want and not be at the mercy of whatever is available. So far I have been blessed and the projects I have been a part of have been truly amazing but whenever I go to an audition I seriously think about whether or not I actually want to do the job. People tell you to take whatever jobs you can get in the begining, and I understand where they are coming from. However, I don't think I can, because my acting dream is not just to get work but to love my work and I need to put that before any dreams of success.

You may not always choose what you love, but you can choose how you love.

"To love without role, without power plays, is revolution."

Actually doing it

Hey so um remember when i said I was going to do a video of me performing something pre and post using the Chubbuck method. Well, hey, guess what!? I ACTUALLY am going to follow through on that.

So a couple days ago I recorded two monologues, one from All's Well That Ends Well, and the other from Girl, Interrupted.

Now I have been watching them and I am pretty happy overall, I mean I have recorded myself doing the Girl, Interrupted monolgue before and I think I have gotten a lot better. However, I still am not actually thrilled with my performance of that. I am really happy with the Shakespeare monologue, but I made a few mistakes and whatnot.

So I was thinking I would record them again, and here I was at work with nothing to do. I decided "oh I should use the Chubbuck technique on the monologues". So I have done it for All's Well That blahblah and... well I can't actually do it for Girl, Interrupted yet cause I haven't seen the movie, but I will. So anyway, I can't wait to post the post-Chubb videos. In the mean time here are my first drafts:

"Don't just learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade."