Kicks

I am supposed to be studying for my two finals tomorrow, but you had to know that wouldn't happen.
Instead I wrote something... It will become a song once I learn how to play guitar haha, as of right now when I am stranded and guitarless I guess it is just a poem.

This is about one of my best friends, though not really. I would always stay up late and talk to him about my drama and he was a great comfort to me but meanwhile he was spiraling out of control himself and though I tried I couldn't really help him, he is a self destructive person.
So:

Kicks and...

He’s like a gentle breeze gone wrong
he wants but won’t push on
He warned I shouldn't dwell too long
On the worries in my head
“they will try to kill you” he said

And I wrote us such a story
and I hoped you felt the same
I knew you didn’t choose me
but I thought that that would change

Kicks and Giggles
and I think he dreams of skinny dipping
I told them you’re my soul mate
they told me that was strange
Insomniac
you saved me
I wish you could say the same

I liked having my hope restored
at the other end
of another long line.

I still remember his tortured dream
Until his dream became a party
and his life a twisted thing
I asked “where will you be in the next ten years?”
He says "I never felt I’d make it farther than here"

Kicks and Giggles
and I think he dreams of skinny dipping
I told them you’re my soul mate
they told me that was strange
Insomniac
you saved me
I wish you could say the same

Step back, hold on,
don’t be too lame to go for what you want
He lives at home
with his mom and his dad and stupid beer love

how long
will I wait for him
to come back to my side?
To come back to our side?

Kicks and Giggles
and I thought he dreamed of really living
I knew he was my soul mate
but now that seems so strange
Maniac
You saved me
In ways I can’t explain.

I wish that you had stayed the same
I wish that you were safe again

Kicks and Giggles
and you’ll always be my living angel


Its rough but if you knew him like I did you might get it. :) He has a nickname "Giggles" because he used to always say "for kicks and giggles" so yeah... that where that came from...

Its a Beautiful Morning

Wow, can you say good day?
yes.

I'm just in a good mood right now I guess. I was packing and doing my thing, it was pretty standard. However, today was my last day of art class! Hallelujah, I did like the things I was learning about but I could not stand the way the teacher conducted the class, it was awful. If you criticized the artwork you would get a bad grade and if you praised it you would get a good grade... that is not ok. Its art, not science, it is open to interpretation, if I don't think pictures of puppies on a blog is art that is my prerogative, but who cares anymore? Cause that class is gone!

Also, there was a theme dinner in the dining hall tonight which featured chocolate fondue... meaning I had chocolate covered strawberries which means my day could be nothing but perfect. If that wasn't enough... the Starbucks in the library is giving away free coffee during finals week... FREE COFFEE! Do days get better, I don't believe so. My wedding day will be filled with coffee and chocolate covered strawberries, just you wait.

I have nothing to actually write about... I need to study for my final tomorrow! I just realllly don't want to. :(

The pleasure that is in sorrow is sweeter than the pleasure of pleasure itself

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Wasted

Hey,

I had such an unbelievable time filming Unborn. I was so nervous about my scene on Monday because it was so emotional but it went well.

I did not get tears from myself but I am pretty sure I saw one of the crew members sniffling :)
I was so lucky with the cast and crew. One of the crew members told us that our performances were amazing and the best of the shoot. Wow. I think a lot of that reaction is for Joe, the guy who played Tim because he was incredible!

That was a moment I really needed, it was so encouraging and it got me so hyped up. Another incredible thing that happened was that Joe said he would take my headshot into his commercial agent because I had a "good commercial look" ... but he isn't because I am moving in a week... one week.

So I drove home from the shoot at 4am feeling really hyped up and excited about acting and the great experience I had gotten. However, then I came to realization that I am leaving, and its like I am realizing it all over again, realizing what I have to give up. Sure there are jobs in Wisconsin/Illinois but it isn't where my heart is. I felt so close and then it was taken away.

Its hard to feel myself taking a step back, but I know I will push forward because its what I need to do. I will finally get in shape and save up all my money, no more of my stupid spending habits :) I will go to school pretty much year round and do anything I can to advance my career in Wisconsin and then once I am a more developed performer I will go on my way. That was a run on sentence I am sure but thats the way my mind is working right now

I sent out some resumes to the Twilight producers haha, I would definitely fly back out in a heartbeat if given an opportunity. I also wrote some pretend sides that I will maybe record and send in in a month or so if I can't get a demo reel together.

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I just watched a video of Taylor Swift from dateline and I am so in love with that girl! I totally understand who she is, she is the blond and musical version of me, and that inspires me a lot, she had the same kind of passion and drive and it got her where she is. Plus she sang part of a HANSON song in it which is amazing! My sisters and I always saw her commenting about them but we weren't sure if she actually knew their new music. She does! :) She should be my best friend.

I am so jealous of her but in a good way.

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This is one of the moments in life that every second I don't spend working toward my goal is wasted.

Ironically the past three days have been slept laying around when not filming, but I didn't get back from filming until 6am on Tuesday and then I had to go to class so that is my excuse.

I just can't believe I'm leaving in a week. I don't know how I am going to get my stuff to Wisconsin!

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My old high school is putting on a winter musical and I am thinking of volunteering to help direct or do anything behind the scenes. At the same time though I am no so sure about going back to working on my high school shows because I feel like its not where I belong anymore.

Beware of undertaking too much at the start. Be content with quite a little. Allow for accidents. Allow for human nature, especially your own.

-Arnold Bennett

On Set

Hello!

I am typing this up while sitting around on set. So yes this is a student film from San Diego that I am working on, titled “Unborn.” My call had been at 6, but because of the rain and winds traffic was bad so I got here around 630... However, I wasn’t late because they pushed call back to 8 because of the weather. So I have been doing some homework and now here I am.

So horror of all horrors, I totally forgot about an essay I have due tomorrow in my 8am class. Let me do the math for you... I am probably going to be here at least until 130, then I will drive home for 2 hours arriving around 330, I will then proceed to write my essay for at least an hour then sleep for 2 hours... That is my optimism talking though.
I can’t write my essay here because I don’t have the book or the prompt..

The joys of acting :) I can’t lie though I love when my acting job runs into the night so I am not too upset about it. I do wish I had wifi here though so I could do something other than Astronomy homework, but then again I really need to get it done eventually as next week is finals.

I have no idea when we are going to start filming... it is 830 now... hopefully by 9 but who knows? I think everyone is here but they are setting things up.

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FILMING

Saturday I filmed the first half of my scene. It went well. The cast and crew are great, I feel a lot more at ease here than I did with the Penny when it comes to small talk. With the Penny everyone had at least one family member there and they were working together a while before I came on set so I felt a little like an outsider, here everyone was more talkative and inclusive. On the other hand, The Penny had a very different atmosphere, it was calm and smooth, here everyone is pushing for time, a lot of pressure is on the actor for getting the job done in one take because they are on a way tighter schedule. Both atmospheres are fun though, this one is a student film so the workers aren’t as experienced and its fun to be figuring things out with them, I feel more comfortable to put my two cents in about issues that come up. I am so excited to see the finished product of both of these, and to my disdain so is my family. I will need to see them first to make sure I don’t stink :)

Today I am a little psyched out because the pressure is on me, Saturday it was all about Tim’s character and his emotions today it turns around to me and after seeing his amazing performance I am a little wigged out that I won’t match up. Then again, that tension may help me with the dramatic aspect.

Saturday was awesome except, I am wearing a hospital gown in this... and I didn’t bring shorts so that made it a little awkward, I taped the gown shut though so that much was ok. I had a pregnancy belly which was fun, we had to tape it down to make it smaller which was pretty funny. Also I had my tennis shoes on the whole time. I was a pretty silly looking person that day. So today, I have shorts and more appropriate shoes because I don’t believe my shoes were seen at all in the footage yesterday.

Today is a day where the advice “always bring your make up” came in handy because the make up artist will probably be a no-show due to the weather.

I have probably rambled on for far too long but thats what happens when sitting around doing nothing, so yeah, hope you enjoyed this... I will probably add more in a little bit but I am eating pizza.

A Plan

Hey All

Tomorrow I am going down to San Diego to film! Call is at 430 and I can't wait!

One thing I am excited about is that they are putting me up in a hotel because I am a couple hours from San Diego and I am going to be filming Saturday and Sunday. Something about that makes me happy, it just feels more legit for me to actually go on a little trip to work on a project, I feel like a professional, which I guess I am at this point, right?

The other day I talked with the director for a little while about my character and he told me something interesting that really changes a lot about the meaning behind my lines. In the film I am a 17 year old girl getting an abortion, who changes her mind about it in the end. I assumed that it was just a mistake she had made with her boyfriend and that she was young and naive. The director told me that he imagined that my character had actually been assaulted and that is why her decision to keep the child is so monumental. Also there is a lot of interesting moments between her and the character Tim, such as him touching her stomach while urging her to reconsider that now have a new significance, she doesn't trust him and is terrified of being taken advantage of again.

WOW, can you say drama, this is so intense and I hope that my performance can live up to that, my character has such a roller coaster experience in this and I want to do it justice.


---------

I just finished my last Art homework of the semester and am sooooooo excited about that! I will have finished all of my finals by a week from tuesday. The downside to that is that two days after that I am going home to Wisconsin and not coming back for a while. I still haven't heard from the universities that I applied to for next semester but I still am hoping to get in somewhere.

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UGLY BETTY

Today I watched an episode of Ugly Betty, I had never seen the show before but it went on after a show me and my friends were watching about the Princess and the Frog. The ironic thing is that in the episode we watched there was a girl that I have met! Actually, she was in Beauty and the Beast with me back in Wisconsin. I remember I saw her once on a show on the Style Network and I thought it was so cool. Now I saw her on this!

This is something that really urges me on, because she was doing theater in Verona just a few years ago and now she is doing it, getting herself out there! It was by no means a huge role but it was still something and thats what it is all about.

I didn't really get to know her, she is fairly older than me, at the time I was a freshman in high school and she was at least a couple years into college if not older. I am also not in contact with her, but I am definitely rooting her on! She was amazing as Belle and she also reminds me extraordinarily of my cousin. :)

Here is a link to her page on imdb.com :

Liz Holtan

One thing I actually kind of love about this business is the unknown veterans of performance, there is such an emphasis on whether or not you have "made it" and while for the moment some 'stars' may only have 2 or 3 movies on their resume, there are some people out there who are unheard of and yet have hundreds of credits to their name. People always say "it is so hard to get work there is so much competition," while that may be true, it also depends on your standards, if you just want to do it, you can, if you are always trying to reach that fame and fortune, great! But you can't expect it to happen tomorrow, its all about the little jobs along the way.

Complexity creates a maze between you and success. Simplicity ensures a clear line of sight.

-Lee J. Colan

Celebration!

YAY
Ok so I am procrastinating more, I admit it!

I just wanted to shout out because I have had 50 separate viewers and over 200 views total!
While I know half of them are me looking at my blog from different internet connections around campus I still think its awesome!
I am also sure that most people have simply been counted while flipping through pages by hitting the "next blog" button, but again, I don't care.

I am happy about it so anyone else out there should be too!

PS. I would love it if someone wanted to comment on my blogs, you are definitely free to!

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So, today... I did some homework, had to turn down some auditions because I am moving home :( and sat around.

I may film tonight, but its getting kinda late for it I think, he was saying we would start around 9 but it is supposed to be in San Diego which is about two hours from here... so yeah not so much as it is 7 here.

Who knows, it may still happen.

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I am going to try to convince my sister to go to a Nick Jonas concert... It would be awesome.

I am a closet Jonas fan. I love Hanson so I feel almost traitorous, but its all good, and I'm sure my sister will go for it.

It will be in Milwaukee on January 20th, about the time I will get depressed that CSULB's semester is beginning.

I hope I get to go to it! Then again, I don't have money... but Christmas is before the concert... so there ya go.

I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.

-Walt Disney


Thank you for reading!!

Procrastination

Oy,

So I am behind on my homework! :)
I always am, but still.
I would love to write in here and to read Auditioning and New Moon, however, I should probably work on school work.

Bummer

So I have:
Astronomy Lab- Report
Astronomy- Chapter HW
History- Decision to Drop the Bomb and Watergate reading, essay
Art- everything... portfolio #3 due on Sunday

meh
here I go.

Talk to ya later hopefully.

"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."

-Mark Twain

I run my life, or is it running me?

Hello all,

I took a little hiatus from writing in here I guess, I was dealing with the logistics of leaving, today I finally got around to all the offices on campus in order to leave next semester.
I think I am good to go.
------------
Now, wanna hear something unbelievable!? I actually had rehearsal! I know, right?

It went well, I was very impressed with the actor playing Tim, the guy who causes all the drama in the abortion room... yeah its an interesting story. :)
I think I did pretty well, I even had some good small talk, which is something I am terrible at. One thing I am not used to is physical contact in film acting, my last job I had been pretty solitary but with this one I am holding the nurses hand and people are touching my stomach and brushing hair out of my face, it made me feel weird... but that is definitely how the character would feel so it works.

Overall, I was pleased with how it went and I think it will turn out pretty well.
----------
Thanksgiving was so great, I spent time with my aunt and uncle, along with my friend Allie who was stranded in Cali as well. We decorated and had pie and it was great, I am going to miss my aunt and uncle so much!
-----------
Outside of acting, there are a lot of things I want to do, here is a list for now:

-Disney College Program, as a character!
- Study abroad in England
-Coast to coast road trip, eat at the best food places, see the best attractions, and I definitely want to see the Worlds biggest anything!

All these things required money... I guess I better get to work huh?

Well right now I am feeling ok, daydreaming a lot, but still.

I had to turn down an audition because I will no longer be here... that part kind of sucked. There will be acting opportunities in Wisconsin and Chitown though, so it will work out.

"There's no reason people who work have to be resigned to situations and endure circumstances when we all possess the power to create better futures."

-John Renesch

Trying Times

I am pretty down about the whole situation I am in right now, so, yeah. I don't want to annoy the people who... dont actually exist/read this so I won't complain about it. I am just gonna post a bunch of quotes I guess. They help me.
I need motivation right now and I can't cry it out cause my roommate might get back and that would be awkward... so here:

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

-anon

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."

-nike :)

"Cornered, the boy kicked out at the world. The world kicked back a lot fucking harder"

-The Libertines

"There's always tomorrow, for dreams to come true. Believe in your dreams come what may"

-Rudolph

How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.

-Og Mandino

I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person.

-Og Mandino

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; its when you had everything to do, and you've done it

-Margaret Thatcher

It is always darkest just before the dawn

-unknown

Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away.

-Tom Clancy

Here We Go Again

Hello,

So I am still very determined to win over the Twilight producers but in the mean time... I think I am going back to Wisconsin for a semester. My money situation is out of control, I would need $8,000 to continue here another semester. I don't have that kind of money.

My plan now is to go home,
-take an acting course if there is one available,
-learn guitar
-get a gym membership
-work every day
-spend no more than $20 a month leisurely
-find acting jobs at the UW if possible, and do some community theatre

Its more productive than what I am doing here I guess, because I will have more money, and a car. Also, I will take summer classes if I don't get into a school for the semester.

Meanwhile, I wrote a couple of "scenes" for the Twilight spin off and plan on recording them and sending it in, seeing as I don't have a reel yet because both of my projects are in production or post production. I will send something to all the producers at least once a month.


While I am still here though, I have a short to film. I will hopefully have rehearsal tomorrow!

Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain.

-Nicholas Evans

"I think there is choice possible to us at any moment, as long as we live. But there is no sacrifice. There is a choice, and the rest falls away. Second choice does not exist. Beware of those who talk about sacrifice."

-Muriel Rukeyser

No One Else Will Change Your Fate You'll Have To Do It For Yourself

SO this is the kind of post I will cringe when I read in the future, but its part of the process.

Here goes.

Twilight: The second I finished the last book I wanted there to be five movies. I knew the first was in production and I was so excited for the movie. However, it was always in the back of my mind that I wanted to know what happened to Nessie and Jacob. I wanted to play Nessie in a fifth movie in the Twilight Saga.

Lo and behold, today there was an article about that is possible, well the fifth movie part, not the me being in it part. I knew that it wasn't out of the question but this statement was stronger than any of the others from the past. One thing that stopped me from rejoicing was that the same article said they were considering Taylor Swift for the role... Let me clarify. They want blond hair blue eyed Taylor Swift to play brown hair, brown eyed Nessie. NU UH
Nothing against Taylor I absolutely love her! Also, I am all for the hair dye and contacts idea, but this is my role! haha I know I know it sounds a little naive to think I would get the role seeing as I don't even have an agent, but this character has been on my mind for a while.

I can't help but think of other actors who are known for having told the directors, producers and casting directors that they were without a doubt the one for the role they were auditioning for. While I am sure there were probably other girls who thought the same thing about the same roles, I can't get it out of my head.

This is my role and I am going to pursue it with all the fire I have in me. I renewed my subscription to IMDB and got contact information for the producers, the casting director hasn't been consistent for the films so far so I thought I would go straight to the source. The producers are the ones who were said to want Taylor, and the power lies with them.

I am lame and this approach may get them annoyed with me, but it also may change my life.

Where faith is there is courage, there is fortitude, there is steadfastness and strength... Faith bestows that sublime courage that rises superior to the troubles and disappointments of life, that acknowledges no defeat except as a step to victory; that is strong to endure, patient to wait, and energetic to struggle... Light up, then, the lamp of faith in your heart... It will lead you safely through the mists of doubt and the black darkness of despair; along the narrow, thorny ways of sickness and sorrow, and over the treacherous places of temptation and uncertainty.

-James Allen

Opting For Sanity

I had been saying that in my head the past few days. I went into super dream mode. I needed to escape reality for a while, note me being an actress. I couldn't get my head out of the clouds, but today I did it.

The funny thing is, the very beginning of my audition book discusses how no actors are sane. They are all insane and that is part of why they are actors and why they can act. They choose a career in which they know they will most likely have no money from and be stressed a lot, because they know there is something more.

He said to in some ways embrace the sanity. He said, one thing that actors need to get is that, while a lot of us do this because we like the escape, however, acting is not escape, it is putting our naked souls out there for anyone to see. We don't create, we find it in ourselves and let our inner selves come to life.



One difficult part of this is that, when you don't have your head in the clouds you get back all the stress and pain that you were trying to avoid to begin with.

I am emo lately, I apologize. The main reason I am so mopey is that I am so limited in what I can do. I have literally no money, actually I am in debt and I am in college and it isn't gonna be getting easier. It also doesn't help that my mom can't wrap her head around the fact that we don't have money. She still acts like we are gonna get through it, but I really don't see how. I want to take a semester off college or something but she won't accept that. Then again she never accepted that I was going to be an actress or go to school in California until I did it. So, there you go.

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On a lighter note. I want to learn to play guitar!!

Not only do I think it would be a great outlet for all my crazy emotions, it would be great for the resume.

I already know some stuff, I own 2 guitars haha, I got one as a present and bought a cheap one when I was younger. I took lessons for a few months but I kept having to switch teachers or days of the week and it got to be too much.

I suddenly got the feeling that I have said this all already, but I reaffirmed it today, because I keep having the urge to write a song but can't... cause I don't have an instrument.

Going on our own, there's no guarantee of success but, that's a chance we're willing to take.

-Zac Hanson

Just Keep Swimming

Hello all,

So far I think there have been 6 total visitors to this page... probably no one actually read it :) but still its nice I guess.

So I finished Judy Kerr's book and I put it on my christmas list because it is the kind of book that you want to have available on a moments notice.

I learned a lot of interesting things I hadn't really thought of before about ways to advance my career, such as working on a stand up act. See I am definitely not a stand-up kinda gal. I like sitting down and blending in...
However, the way she described it made it seem so simple in a way. Also, I started watching Seinfeld and once you listen to enough stand up you starting hearing jokes in your head and it just starts to flow.

---------------

Now

I still have not had rehearsal for Unborn! The director, got sick and though he said he had recovered for the most part about 4 days ago I haven't heard anything.

I am really excited to start work! I don't like the waiting to go to rehearse and film because I psych myself out, as you witnessed, I am sure, in my past posts. However, looking back on filming The Penny I had so much fun on set, I didn't even really click with the cast and crew it was just being there and doing what I enjoyed that mattered.

My character for this story is so dynamic, she goes through a roller coaster of emotion in just 2 or 3 scenes. The first couple times I read the script I cried, I could connect with the character so easily. I really feel like I understand her and what she is going through even though I am far from experiencing anything like it.

Oh by the way, I think I am going to need to wear a pregnancy belly! Seeing as my character is 16 week s pregnant. Wow, it is going to be difficult to act natural when I have to deal with a whole big addition to my body :)

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Most of the time when you read an acting book the author recommends at least one other acting book. One that I noticed that kept popping up in Acting is Everything was Audition by Michael Shurtleff. When I was at the library today there it was waiting for me. I had tried to start a different acting book but the author was using very abstract ideas and I just wasn't in the mood for that at this point, my texts books give me my fill of that already.

I am excited to read this book, I have another auditioning book too that I have read a little bit of but this is the one that I always see referenced so I look forward to it.
It better not disappoint.

oh, I also checked out New Moon! The movie comes out this week and I am sooo excited. I want to see it at midnight, but I don't think its gonna work, I have class Thursday night, and Friday morning, and no car... you do the math.

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I am scheduled to do some extra work for an upcoming Pilot for Scott Nguyen. It is being filmed on campus so it seemed like a good opportunity to get my feet in the mud without actually having to drive to a set someplace.

That will be on Dec 4

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Oh yeah, I went to a concert! It was AMAZING, because it was HANSON!!
Hanson, yes MMMBop Hanson, is my favorite band and it was great to see them perform... again, I think this was my 6th time seeing them in concert.

Plus, there was a bonus in that I saw Taylor holding one of his kids who was sleeping, sooo precious, I also saw his wifey and the youngest kid... Wow am I a creeper?

yes.

"Victories are easy and cheap. The only victories worth anything are those achieved through hard work and dedication."

-Henry Ward Beecher

Optimism

As the title says, this is my optimistic post.

With the help of loved ones I will pay my fees and get through this year. I need to stop stressing about this, I had a few months of blissful free thinking which was a real change from my stress about money, and here I am with stress again.

I WILL WORK THIS OUT

My life over the past year has had a lot of "no matter what the world will go on" moments. I have had to remind myself that if I don't get a project done on time or I can't make my payment right on time I will survive and the world will keep spinning. At some point this time of my life will be over, no matter what happens with my current situation, it will eventually change!

I HAVE A ROLE

I am so excited about this role. They wouldn't have given me the role if they didn't think I would do the best job out of the other girls.
This is such an exciting challenging role because it is a controversial issue and full of drama.
One of my favorite roles in high school was Wuthering Heights and that was because of the level of intensity I had to work up. That was the most transitional part of my whole acting career so far, that is where I showed Mr. Nibbe and my audience that I actually had something. That I might be able to act.
This may be similar, I may grow from this project even more and I can't wait to see where I go with it.

I can not let my fear get in the way of myself. I know this is my passion, my drive. I just wish it was easier! Less pressure! I got this role and immediately started bad mouthing myself in my head, a constant chain of "you can't do this" "you have acne and yellow teeth" and negative self talk like that. Frankly, if that was true then I wouldn't have the part.

If you think you can't you are right. I thought I couldn't and I was wrong, so I am changing my thoughts right now.


OK
I feel better :)

Tomorrow I will probably post about HANSON or maybe the day after that because I AM GOING TO THEIR CONCERT TOMORROW!

I can't wait to grow.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

-Lucille Ball

And It All Comes Tumbling Down

I notice my posts are getting progressively crankier. However, I can't help it if that is the way I am feeling.

REHEARSAL
I couldn't get a car yesterday! Therefore, I couldn't get to my rehearsal, which really put me in a funk.
JOB
It turns out the job interview was for a seasonal job, as in, for the holiday season and summer and what not. I won't be here then because I have a family I really would like to see.

So I am really down right now trying to figure out what I am going to do.

For us there is only one season, the season of sorrow. The very sun and moon seem taken from us. Outside, the day may be blue and gold, but the light that creeps down through the thickly-muffled glass of the small iron-barred window beneath which one sits is grey and niggard. It is always twilight in one's cell, as it is always twilight in one's heart. And in the sphere of thought, no less than in the sphere of time, motion is no more.

-Oscar Wilde

Up and Down

I am stressed. Of Course.

ILLNESS

See whenever I have to perform for something I get sick, which just adds to the stress of performing.

Wuthering Heights- sick
Pirates of Penzance- realllly sick, no voice, and being the lead it was very difficult. I was a mess, especially since I had been a little bit bullied about getting the part. I was told I wouldn't be able to do the part because my voice wouldn't hold up, and then that happened.

So yeah, the bigger the part, the sicker I got, the worse I felt about everything.

My aunt actually made a good point that I get sick because I am so stressed to being with and she recommended that I start to meditate. That wouldn't be a bad idea, it would help with stress as well as helping with my focus for acting.

So I am planning to look into meditating

REHEARSAL

And of course there is the scary scheduling issue.

Well not scary...

I went through this with The Penny too. There is no set filming/rehearsing time. You just get up and go about an hour after they call you to come in. I am used to High School, you know, where you have your schedule and thats how it goes.
It isn't soo bad except for the fact that I don't have a car... so I might check out a zipcar and have to cancel my reservation late because of a last minute rescheduling.

I hope everything sorts itself out.

JOB

Speaking of sorting things out.

I was super stressed last night! I am running super low on money and super high on stress.
However, today I called to follow up on my job applications and I got an interview at Sears tomorrow at 11.

Hopefully it all works out :)

The only way to escape the abyss is to look at it, gauge it, sound it out and descend into it.

-Cesare Pavese

My Starting Place

Today I had a very lazy day:
-I went to class
-watched Seinfeld
-went to class
-went to the library
-slept from around 3 to 530.

I am in class right now as well I admit. I haven't done much today to advance my career, I haven't even read any of my acting book.

HOWEVER,
I got my first role in California today! I am playing a character named SAMANTHA in a short called Unborn.

Now I am scared... AH
When I first was told I was being "seriously considered" for the role I started working on the script and character work. The lines are fairly easy to master with memorization but there is a lot of emotional intensity with every little "Um" because this role is about a girl who has chosen to get an abortion.

So I have some of the ground work sorted out already but I have a ways to go. I have two scenes chock full of emotional and dramatic charge, it will be a challenge.

I know it is cliche but I am worried about the crying issue because I really think my character is going through such extreme events that it is hard to believe that she wouldn't cry. I think I could get there though, I just need to be in my character's head the whole time on set and really experience it.


I am so excited to work on this, I have rehearsals this weekend and I film the weekend after that. Filming is in San Diego though! That is pretty far from here, but my aunt is lending me her car.

It is silly but I am also excited that I will soon have more than one thing listed in the "Film" section of my resume.

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

-Oscar Wilde

Self Portrait

This is a project my film teacher (one of my favorite teachers ever!) came up with and she said she really wanted me to do. At that point I had been in an independent film class... but I didn't take it 2nd semester (a decision I will always regret) and so it didn't happen. However, this summer I decided to do it.
I started it... but it is so hard to capture who I am on film, I have a VERY rough edit of it right now but I think I will reshoot most of it, it just doesn't really capture me.

Another issue I am having with it is music, there is no one song out there perfect for me. I have been continuously going to Taylor Swift's "Fearless" but thats more because it goes well with my edited footage rather than it actually being a song I relate to.

SO

I am going to make this project into something way more complicated than necessary. I am going to attempt to write my song. Now this will be difficult seeing as I can't play an instrument. However, I have been going on and off in an attempt to learn guitar and I plan to finally accomplish that this winter. My guitar is back in Wisconsin and so that is why I have to wait. I WILL do it though... it is written here and therefore official, right?

NOW

With the music issue aside I am going to plot out my self portrait here:

-The first draft ended up giving me some good ideas. I want to have a constant image of me in the background, the image will change but it will always be me.
--One thing I messed around with was having video of me overlapping things and I had different types of make-up to reveal different sides of myself
-I want it to meld from being about me to being about people I love because they shape who I am more than I do.
-I have certain objects that mean something to me, such as flowers and little toys I have been given by friends.
-I have my short films and theatre productions to draw from because they definitely shaped me.

...thats it... thats all I have got
I guess I need to brainstorm a little more.

Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work

- Rita Mae Brown

Resume and Headshot

Thought it might interest people, these are what I have used so far but I think an update will be needed fairly soon, which is another reason I need a job. :)

The Big Bad Job Issue

OK so as I have hinted in previous posts... I am poor. College is expensive, and I currently have no job except my seasonal jobs in Wisconsin, which don't provide quite enough income to last me all year.

So here I am... looking for a job.

Today I went to a little shopping center where I get my groceries. To scope out some places and tomorrow I will go to the mall to do the same.

PLACES I HAVE APPLIED:
Borders: both at the registers and in the cafe
California Pizza Kitchen: both locations near me
Sears: the girl I asked said that they were hiring right now. *crossesfingers*

Ok so there is that...

Back home I work at:
Point Ultra Screen Cinema -(Marcus Theaters)- Service Specialist
Bell, Geirhart and Moore- (Law Firm)-Summer Intern


One exciting thing about moving here is that minimum wage is 50 cents higher, minimum wage in Wisconsin was raised just this summer to $7.50.

NOW

Here are other options outside of a part time job of how I could make some money...

-Extra Work (need to find resources)
-Mystery Shopping
-Disneyland job

I need to look into all of those ideas and more.

When I get leads I will update.

This probably won't be my last post today...

The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.

~Thomas Henry Huxley

Music and Monologues

One of the most stressful things I can imagine out here is the theatre audition. The kid where you sing and say a monologue while in a room full of all of the other hopefuls.

MONOLOGUES
I have yet to find monologues that I love, it is quite sad actually.

So far the ones I have found are:

Play: Tomorrow's Wish
Character: Juniper
- A young women with a learning disability describes her first kiss.

I still need to read the full script, I probably should... But, anyway, this is one I really like. It is comedic while at the same time the fact that she thinks this way is not to be laughed at.

Movie: The Tenth Kingdom
Character: Virginia
- She describes how she responded to her mother leaving her when she was seven.

While I like this, the fact that it is from a movie kind of concerns me, I feel like monologues should be from the theater, but maybe that is just me.


So I have a modern comedic and dramatic monologue but am definitely searching for more.
I also need a classic monologue of each genre. I just read through One on One a book of monologues but nothing really called out to me, but I will look through it again.


MUSIC

I have "Poor Wandering One" under my belt from my run of Pirates of Penzance.

I began working on "Times Like This" from Lucky Stiff with my voice teacher, but I definitely don't have this at performance level yet.

I also think "In His Eyes" from Jekyll and Hyde would work well for my voice and so will start working on that.

Problem is Poor Wandering One and In His Eyes are both fairly soprano and so...
I need something for my alto range as well, something a little more belty.

As I said in the last post, I am currently reading Love's Labor's Lost by the Bard. I am hoping I may find something in their to use as a classic piece.

To Select Well Among Old Things, Is Almost Equal To Inventing New Ones

-Nicholas Charles Trublet

My Acting Life So Far

Ok so I am currently reading a book called Acting is Everything by Judy Kerr. Though the title did concern me at first, I have barely been able to pull my nose out of it, I checked it out of the library but I think I may need to get a copy for my self because it is so full of resources that could help me out.
So I am at a chapter in which she had some of her students keep track of their career schedule since they moved and it makes me feel as though I have accomplished nothing in comparison, but this mixed with reading The Princess Diaries and watching Julie and Julia has made me do this blog all together. So, I am going to list off my experience, it wont be as full of events as the book, but still... It will start out as a resume pretty much:

Pre-Move
Theatre:
- Middle School (not really counting it but listing it anyway, its the resources I had when I caught the acting bug)
-Oliver Twist
-The Horse and His Boy
-High School
- Oliver! -Ensemble
- A Company of Wayward Saints -Isabella (role was split between two people though)
- Into the Woods -Supporting-Lucinda the ugly stepsister
- Inherit the Wind - Supporting -Reporter
- Little Women - Supporting - Sally Moffat
- Anything Goes - Ensemble - Passenger/reporter
- Wuthering Heights - Lead - Isabella Linton
- Pirates of Penzance - Lead - Mable Stanley
- Rumors - Lead - Chris Gorman
- Stage Reading of Murther - Mrs. Claus
-Film
- The Penny- Supporting- Jade's Friend
- Back to School Video - wrote/edited/filmed-Host
- V-Cat school news- cast/crew - created and featured in several stories

Films I made for extra experience while in high school(not to be included on a resume):
- I'm Hungry- co-written/co-filmed/co-edited - Lead- Hungry Girl
- Boredom- written/co-filmed/edited- Lead- Valerie
- My Only Friend- Music Video for Ronnie Day project- Lead- Jamie
- Testing Day Video - Filmed/edited
- Wuthering Heights Documentary- Concept/Filmed/Edited- featured
- The Pear Boy- Wrote/Filmed/Animated/Edited
- My Obsessed Family- Co-wrote/Co-edited/Co-filmed - Lead- Exaggerated Version of Myself

Current independent project: self portrait video montage


Special Training
- Basic Standard British Dialect
- Basic French- taken in high school for three years
- Voice Training- Leslie Esser-Reitano-1 year
-Primarily Soprano
- Basic Tap
- Basic Staged Fighting Technique
Classes Taken
- Introduction to Acting Class- Steve Nibbe- Verona Area High School
- Introduction to Video Production- Ann Kruse- Verona Area High School
- Creative Film Studies - Ann Kruse- Verona Area High School
- V-Cat News Production- Liz Stremikis- Verona Area High School
- Advanced Video Production- Ann Kruse- Verona Area High School
post move -> Introduction to the Visual Arts- Glenn Zuchmann- CSULB (so much for not telling where I am, I realized it would
be impossible to not bring it up)

Books Read (This won't be all because I can't possibly remember them all-also I may have just read parts of the book)
- Acting the First Six Lessons- Richard Boleslavski (FAVORITE ACTING BOOK- first I ever bought, I have still to
accomplish anything close to the first lesson, its a lifetime
commitment, it is inspiration for me.)
-Twelve Step Plan to Becoming an Actor in LA - Dawn Lerman and Dori Keller
- Your First Year In Hollywood- Michael Saint Nicholas (really St. Nicholas... I wonder sometimes)
- The Los Angeles Agent Book- K Callan (very helpful- with good list of agents in back)
- Auditioning- Joanna Merlin (haven't read the majority yet)
- Act Now- Peter Jazwinski
- One on One: Women's monologues of the 90s- Jack Temchin
- Hollywood Here I Come - Cynthia Hunter (good, but I admit I ended up selling this alongside the idiots guide to acting)
- How to Get the Part Without Falling Apart- Margie Haber and Heather Locklear
- The Power of the Actor- Ivana Chubbuck (I really like it! However, the last time I saw it, it was on my dormroom floor,
and my floor is now clean but I no longer see where the book is... )

I have a confession to make right now, I used to own a Stanislavski book, The Actor Prepares, I think it was. I could not get through it, I ended up selling it because it was just collecting dust while my other books on acting are picked up over and over again.


ALRIGHT, so that is where I am at right now... I feel pretty good about that right now to be honest.

As I said in the intro to this post, I am also currently reading Acting is Everything by Judy Kerr and so far love it and I am over half-way through. I am also reading the Princess Diaries series and Love's Labor's Lost. An eclectic list of books, I know, and I am kind of proud of that.


OK so I apply to college, move out here to a bankrupt state and therefore am paying non-resident tuition and living in $1,000/month dorms with no air conditioning or heat with financial aid (which would have been fully covered in Wisconsin btw) that doesn't even cover my course fees. Yeah... those are the harsh realities. The other realities though are that I am finally able to actually send out to auditions that I see posted and I live in California like I have always dreamed and... its what I have always wanted.

Since I have been here:

1) I tried to wait on trying to get representation.. but sitting around a dorm room all day and being a procrastinator on homework and a dreamer, as I am, I caved. I pulled out my "Los Angeles Agent Book" and looked through the back
- I had already highlighted every one of the agents who claim to actually look at the pictures they receive and so, I again ignored some advice and decided to send a resume with my headshot to everyone I had highlighted... yup.
-I also decided to send out resumes to about 5 big name agents just incase a miracle would happen if I took the chance, these ones were definitely more carefully selected... ironically, seeing as I am less likely to have to deal with them.

OK so print, print, address, address, stamp, stamp and off I sent 50 total packages. Wow... it was expensive! way more than I thought it would be, but thats the price of being a dreamer I guess.

2) Networking... hm well I have a total of one connection out here, the costume designer at my high school is friends with a lady who is a personal assistant to a star out here. So I emailed the costume designer and she said she would try to connect me with her friend. I haven't heard anything since... and it has been about two weeks or so.
We shall see.

3) AUDITIONS.
Okay, I have the BackStage website membership, Actor's Access and a Blog which I am following on here which has more big time stuff that the other two sites. I do my little thing every day, check the postings apply to what I am right for. I must say I prefer Actor's Access, its just really simple, and seems to get more postings than BackStage.
So far I have been contacted for 3 auditions from Actor's Access. One I was unable to make the audition times(they had not been posted specifically so I didn't know when I applied).
The second one was a student film at USC. It was a silent film... first they had me read sides from "He's just not that into you" because the story line was very similar. That part went well... but then came the part where they had me pantomime... not so good. One issue I came up against was that they had me do a scene in which there is no possible way to film it as one shot because half way through the character snaps out of a fantasy world and everything that had changed is back to normal, I couldn't play it without a clear break between the two so it did NOT flow and it led to awkwardness.
-NOTE TO SELF GET INTO A MOVEMENT CLASS- that would have helped me immensely
THIRD- This audition I felt good about. It was for a short film that may see some festival action. It is titled Unborn. I went in tried to reach the emotions and, though I did not achieve tears I feel like the emotion was there. I had a moment where I really felt like the character and it felt just right-another bonus is I saw the director nod happily at that point. Anyway, last I heard I was being "seriously considered" for the part and they asked me to verify my age (18) and checked to see if I would be available to work set dates. This news came about 3 days ago, still waiting to hear.



WOW ramble much. I am scared I am keeping my roommate from falling asleep because of my typing so I must wrap this up.

I am thinking of writing a stand up act, which is something I never thought I would do. I probably won't preform it, but I don't have a lot of comic experience so I am hoping to flex my muscles a bit.

I have checked out a few acting books from the library and once I get through Acting is Everything I will move on to those. However, I think this book is one of the ones I will always come back to when I need help.

So, a last thought: Next semester I am going to sign up for an acting course and I am so anxious to begin. I wanted to take an introductory ballet course as well but, sadly, they overlap, and acting takes precedent. I hope I do continue this blog... it would be good for me I think, though I do have my "acting journal" too.

Do Not Wait To Strike Till The Iron Is Hot; But Make It Hot By Striking

-William B. Sprague

Begin Again

Wow... A lot happens in 4 years. It is now November, 2009. Apparently the last time I was here was in November, 2005. I stumbled upon this when I googled my name... cause you know I am self involved that way.

So here is the deal. I feel like having a place to plot out and describe my acting journey, though if I am successful I will probably hide this from the rest of the planet and keep it just for myself.

I am now a student, I won't say where because... you know, the creepers. I live in California a ways outside of downtown LA, though the location paired with the fact that I have no car makes it difficult to pursue acting, I am doing the best I know how to. I of course, want to be an actress, but I am majoring in film production while taking the acting classes I want to, because you don't have to be in the major. I think it is better to get an understanding of the filmmaking process as a whole because I know I will study acting for the rest of my life and so it is a good idea to get a well rounded education now.

So now I will start blogging about my acting experience and what I am doing to improve...

As for right this second? I am about to go on a walk with Allie in order to be a healthy person.

Maybe see you soon... if I don't quit right away.
I'm not good at maintaining this sort of thing, as I am sure you know because of the amount of time since my last post.